The Red Planet

Is it weird to have the urge to hug someone so bad without the influence of infatuation? I am starting to misjudge my emotions because of this new found feeling.

I’m so comfortable with her that I’m keeping a platonic facade to keep us from getting awkward. I keep on talking trash wishing that she won’t notice this tactic of appearing indifferent about what she might feel because of the harshness and the tactlessness I pose but deep inside I want to hug her near my heart, whisper in her ear that I feel safe whenever I am with her, and plant a kiss on her forehead to remind myself of how lucky I am to be able to know her.

It even came to a point that I kept on reiterating the thing that she’s insecure about. And that’s what I liked about her. She shakes it off like it doesn’t even bother her and then shortly after, she would even commend herself for being pretty, and I’m also starting to believe that she’s beautiful.

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The Paradox of Desire

The object you most desire is often the most elusive thing on earth. The excessive desire you possess overwhelms not only yourself but also the thing you desire the most. You make them feel awkward, even fearful.

You magnify the manifestations of your desire everytime you give attention— complementing them about their looks, extending unnecessary interaction, and displaying acts of pretentious chivalry.

Every time you fix your attention upon the object you most desire, you misinterpret any innocent action into something unworthy of envy. The pain of unsolicited jealousy brought by desire usually escorts you to her twin- despair.

Desire when entertained without moderation will cause unwarranted heartaches and severe cases of hopelessness.

The only remedy of desire is not to acknowledge it. The paradox of desire— when ignored on purpose, desire will be the one who will come running after you. But once you start to give in, may God bless your soul.

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Second Natal Decade

Assuming that the average human life spans around 70 years, plus given the fact that today’s lifestyle isn’t making our health any better, I have already exhausted one third of my life without even really living it. Upon this natal day of mine, I haven’t felt the clichéd feeling of being happy, instead it just felt normal. Leaving the teen years behind, it makes me feel old and dying. Old because today’s the mark of the second decade of my existence; dying because if I’m lucky enough, I still have 4 decades left to begin living or just continue existing. Either of the two, it takes courage to do both. Lo and behold, I am now twenteen years young :)

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I just watched the movie It’s Kind Of A Funny Story, and I feel the protagonist so much. I feel the same way that he does. He’s basically depressed and wanted to take his life like I do at this point. It’s just that our source of depression doesn’t come from legit reasons like broken family, molestation, abuse, and the like. It comes from petty issues like being obsessed with a girl who in turn doesn’t even know the way I feel for her. For some pathetic reason it gives me a great amount of sadness when I come to think that she’s basically in love with another guy.

 

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Me Being Me.. And Mean.

People often say “Be true to yourself”, “Just be yourself”, “Don’t mind what others think”, and all the other ego boosting lines that tell you that you can do it, that no one else can do it better but yourself. But how far can those lines go? Are those lines supposed to encourage cultivate even the dark side of yourself?

Being you doesn’t mean that you’re perfect, or you should be perfect. Being you is a package. You are created unique. In that uniqueness, you have your strengths, shortcomings, imperfections, and blemishes. But the question is, are we supposed to entertain our imperfections just because people told us to be true to ourselves?

They say that when you can’t beat them, join them. It is indeed logical. Why logical? Logical because, if you are a hard loser, engaging your enemies knowing that you stand no chance against them, only means defeat. Why not turn the tables? Instead of facing sure defeat, why not join among their ranks and face victory? I don’t know if that strategy is acknowledged in the art of war, because it sounds like you’re giving away your dignity. But, to a man whose priority is winning, why not?

I’d like to propose another idea, or version about the beating one another thingy. If you can’t beat them, at least pull them down to your level. Does it sound close to winning? Yes, it is a no. Confusing, I know. Ha ha! It may not sound close to winning but, it do sounds like both of you are in the same odds of not winning. Does it sound familiar? It sure does, and it is called the crab mentality.

Why is the idea of beating one another involved in being true to ourselves? I’d like to point out that I have the mentality of “If I can’t get it, neither of us should.” Why should I suffer alone, when the two of us can suffer together? And to the question I’ve raised earlier, this is what I’m trying to point out. Should we continue to cultivate the “dark side” of the package, where in my case the crab mentality thingy?

I’d like to tell you a story.  It was during my Management class. During that period, we were to check our examinations. The examination comprises a 60 items for True or False, 5 items for Multiple Choice, 15 items for Identification, and a 20 items for Enumeration, for a total of 100 items. Instead of using the traditional way of checking for True or False, which was “Number 1, true. Number 2, false. Number 3, false.” He improvised it into a more efficient way, which was enumerating first all the items which were true, and then all the remaining items which were not mentioned were automatically false.

During that time, I was thinking that if I can’t get a high score, the owner of the paper that I was checking shouldn’t also get a high one. When my professor finished enumerating all the items that are True, I said a remark in which for me was just nothing, but audible enough to be heard by everyone in the classroom. I jokingly, or intentionally said, I’m not sure which, that “It’s so fun!” There, I got the attention of my professor and classmates. My professor got the hint that the paper I was checking had many mistakes.

My professor told me that, “Don’t you know it is immoral to laugh at someone’s misery?” Boom! I was hit head on. I don’t know if they can’t identify a sarcasm or they just took the remark seriously. I think they took my remark seriously, obviously. I may have thought of getting even with people. But, I never thought that what I did was immoral. Now, I’m starting to get confused with ethics and morals. Tch.

So, the sadistic part of me, the part of me that enjoys the misery of others, would it still be me if I’d stop being it? Will I continue to do it just because it’s part of being me?

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Aphrodite’s Heart

A heart untamed that longs to acquire,
enslaved by the beauty it desires.
For lack of will to show restraint,
paved the way for love to cause some pain.

A love misconduct — an infatuation,
a biased heart when it comes to beauty.
The beautiful culprit and the naive heart,
conspired to blur the line between love and lust.

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Infatuation

Love at first sight.
Unexpected,
so sweet.

Superficial love,
impulsive,
so swift.

Naive heart,
yielding to beauty,
attracted to mere looks,
disappointed and torn apart.

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