An introvert's point of view.

The Red Planet

Is it weird to have the urge to hug someone so bad without the influence of infatuation? I am starting to misjudge my emotions because of this new found feeling.

I’m so comfortable with her that I’m keeping a platonic facade to keep us from getting awkward. I keep on talking trash wishing that she won’t notice this tactic of appearing indifferent about what she might feel because of the harshness and the tactlessness I pose but deep inside I want to hug her near my heart, whisper in her ear that I feel safe whenever I am with her, and plant a kiss on her forehead to remind myself of how lucky I am to be able to know her.

It even came to a point that I kept on reiterating the thing that she’s insecure about. And that’s what I liked about her. She shakes it off like it doesn’t even bother her and then shortly after, she would even commend herself for being pretty, and I’m also starting to believe that she’s beautiful.

The Paradox of Desire

The object you most desire is often the most elusive thing on earth. The excessive desire you possess overwhelms not only yourself but also the thing you desire the most. You make them feel awkward, even fearful.

You magnify the manifestations of your desire everytime you give attention— complementing them about their looks, extending unnecessary interaction, and displaying acts of pretentious chivalry.

Every time you fix your attention upon the object you most desire, you misinterpret any innocent action into something unworthy of envy. The pain of unsolicited jealousy brought by desire usually escorts you to her twin- despair.

Desire when entertained without moderation will cause unwarranted heartaches and severe cases of hopelessness.

The only remedy of desire is not to acknowledge it. The paradox of desire— when ignored on purpose, desire will be the one who will come running after you. But once you start to give in, may God bless your soul.

I just watched the movie It’s Kind Of A Funny Story, and I feel the protagonist so much. I feel the same way that he does. He’s basically depressed and wanted to take his life like I do at this point. It’s just that our source of depression doesn’t come from legit reasons like broken family, molestation, abuse, and the like. It comes from petty issues like being obsessed with a girl who in turn doesn’t even know the way I feel for her. For some pathetic reason it gives me a great amount of sadness when I come to think that she’s basically in love with another guy.


Me Being Me.. And Mean.

People often say “Be true to yourself”, “Just be yourself”, “Don’t mind what others think”, and all the other ego boosting lines that tell you that you can do it, that no one else can do it better but yourself. But how far can those lines go? Are those lines supposed to encourage cultivate even the dark side of yourself?

Being you doesn’t mean that you’re perfect, or you should be perfect. Being you is a package. You are created unique. In that uniqueness, you have your strengths, shortcomings, imperfections, and blemishes. But the question is, are we supposed to entertain our imperfections just because people told us to be true to ourselves?

They say that when you can’t beat them, join them. It is indeed logical. Why logical? Logical because, if you are a hard loser, engaging your enemies knowing that you stand no chance against them, only means defeat. Why not turn the tables? Instead of facing sure defeat, why not join among their ranks and face victory? I don’t know if that strategy is acknowledged in the art of war, because it sounds like you’re giving away your dignity. But, to a man whose priority is winning, why not?

I’d like to propose another idea, or version about the beating one another thingy. If you can’t beat them, at least pull them down to your level. Does it sound close to winning? Yes, it is a no. Confusing, I know. Ha ha! It may not sound close to winning but, it do sounds like both of you are in the same odds of not winning. Does it sound familiar? It sure does, and it is called the crab mentality.

Why is the idea of beating one another involved in being true to ourselves? I’d like to point out that I have the mentality of “If I can’t get it, neither of us should.” Why should I suffer alone, when the two of us can suffer together? And to the question I’ve raised earlier, this is what I’m trying to point out. Should we continue to cultivate the “dark side” of the package, where in my case the crab mentality thingy?

I’d like to tell you a story.  It was during my Management class. During that period, we were to check our examinations. The examination comprises a 60 items for True or False, 5 items for Multiple Choice, 15 items for Identification, and a 20 items for Enumeration, for a total of 100 items. Instead of using the traditional way of checking for True or False, which was “Number 1, true. Number 2, false. Number 3, false.” He improvised it into a more efficient way, which was enumerating first all the items which were true, and then all the remaining items which were not mentioned were automatically false.

During that time, I was thinking that if I can’t get a high score, the owner of the paper that I was checking shouldn’t also get a high one. When my professor finished enumerating all the items that are True, I said a remark in which for me was just nothing, but audible enough to be heard by everyone in the classroom. I jokingly, or intentionally said, I’m not sure which, that “It’s so fun!” There, I got the attention of my professor and classmates. My professor got the hint that the paper I was checking had many mistakes.

My professor told me that, “Don’t you know it is immoral to laugh at someone’s misery?” Boom! I was hit head on. I don’t know if they can’t identify a sarcasm or they just took the remark seriously. I think they took my remark seriously, obviously. I may have thought of getting even with people. But, I never thought that what I did was immoral. Now, I’m starting to get confused with ethics and morals. Tch.

So, the sadistic part of me, the part of me that enjoys the misery of others, would it still be me if I’d stop being it? Will I continue to do it just because it’s part of being me?

Aphrodite’s Heart

A heart untamed that longs to acquire,
enslaved by the beauty it desires.
For lack of will to show restraint,
paved the way for love to cause some pain.

A love misconduct — an infatuation,
a biased heart when it comes to beauty.
The beautiful culprit and the naive heart,
conspired to blur the line between love and lust.


Love at first sight.
so sweet.

Superficial love,
so swift.

Naive heart,
yielding to beauty,
attracted to mere looks,
disappointed and torn apart.

The GOD-Syndrome

Our lives are pre-destined.


Who among you are writers? What do you do before you start to write? Yes, we think of a probable plot, a probable character, a probable antagonist. I believe many among us here are fiction writers and story-tellers. By making stories, we do the closest thing that God does, creation. God made the world through words right? The way we write our stories closely resembles the way God does to our lives. Before we were born, He had already chosen our parents, the way we already knew the background of our characters. He already knew our exact hair count, the way we do on our character sketching. He already knew if we will be a good person or a bad person, the way we choose our protagonist and antagonist. Writing is the best God simulator, aside from sex, of course. Do you get my point? Well, my point is we possess the urge to be God, the god in our own world. I’m calling this urge as The GOD-Syndrome.

Do you have an Android phone? Try playing the game Plague Inc. The aim of the game is to eradicate the entire human population by the means of a plague. The game is cool because you have the lives of all the people in Earth in the palm of your hands, literally. The game provides you with a bacteria. Since it’s a strategic game, you have to strategically evolve the bacteria into a killer plague that would wipe out the entire human race. As the bacteria started to mutate into a killing disease and started to spread across the world, I was in awe. That game made me feel like I’m a god. Imagine, God can also do the same what that game does, He could treat us just like a freaking game, but God is just so  gracious that He didn’t. Again, I felt the God-syndrome crawl under my skin just like what writing always does to me.

It’s also frustrating because you’ll have a hard time eradicating the entire human race. There’s a popular paradox question, Can God make a stone so heavy that even He cannot lift it? If He can make it, why can’t he lift it if He is a God? If He cannot make it, why can’t He, He’s a God? Well, the questions are quite blasphemous. I just introduced those questions because I’m trying to point out that being a god has a limitation. Although, it’s obvious that I can easily dominate the world by the means of a plague, the truth is, it’s harder than you think. The humans try to find a cure, they fight back. They fight back against me. They fight back against their god! [Insert evil laugh here] The only way to guarantee that the plague is going to consume them all is to purchase the full version of the game, which is costly and unnecessary. Again, I’m stretching the point that being God is not easy. God also has a limitation, and His limitation is Himself. Since God is the God of Truth, He is not allowed to lie. I don’t say? He cannot break His own words. His words are law. I know that you’re familiar with the story of Salvation, the story of Jesus the Savior. God the Father is a spiritual being. It means that He cannot interact directly with the physical world. That’s the reason why He sent His Son Jesus to the world to redeem us from our sins and that’s the only way that He (God the Father) can interact with us directly. Since Jesus is a hundred percent God and a hundred percent human, that leaves us to the conclusion that He was incarnated. He can now interact with us because He is now a human being. And I know that you’ll ask that where is the logic in that? Mind you, a God comprehended is no God at all. Okay, the goal of Jesus on coming here on Earth is to save us from our sins, and that’s costly — His life. So, back to the game. I’ll relate Jesus’ goal here on earth with my goal in the game. I can always do desperate things, I can purchase the game with a credit card, and finish my goal. But, it is costly.

Can Love Survive?

Love, Sex, and Marriage.

Yesterday’s title of the seminar was the line above. ‘Twas another seminar conducted by the guidance center of our school. I and the gang wanted to escape the said seminar. How do you call that, cutting-seminars? Of course I’ve been to countless seminars about those things; Sex Ed. here, Sex Ed. there, Sex Ed. everywhere! So what’s the point of attending such? Well, since I myself am a peer facilitator of the guidance center, it would be embarrassing if some of the students who attended the seminar would catch me cutting-seminars. Oh well.

On the first 30 minutes of the seminar, we stayed on the cafeteria instead. We were persuading other students who were still on their way to the seminar not to attend anymore. We told them that they are teaching bad things there. They will teach us about marriage even though we’re still single. They are trying to get us married!

We thought of going to the internet café, but we ended up attending the seminar. Tragic indeed. By the time we arrived at the venue, the current slide of the powerpoint presentation caught my attention. Infatuation vs. Love. I was excited because I’m really desperate to know the differences of the two. Who would have thought that I would be enjoying the seminar instead?

The speaker told us that men are so adept in capturing the hearts of women. But the question is, can he nurture that heart? He elucidated us the difference about Modern Dating vs. Biblical Courting.

Modern Dating is the common practice of the modern time. A girl and a boy are more than friends and have special feelings toward one another. They can even date another person on the following week if they want to. Modern Dating is generally based on this question, “How can I find the one for me?” In some cases, some people who are very “in love” are living-in.


Biblical Courting is when a single man approaches a single woman by going through the woman’s father and family. A man looks for a godly woman as scripture defines her. He is usually finding the one person he is going to spend his whole life with. Biblical Courting is based on this question, “How can I be the one for her?” In this case, commitment precedes intimacy.

I can elaborate further the differences of the two, but let’s just put it that way.  Now, how can love survive in this modern time’s way of practice? Courtships taking place in phone conversations, boyfriends and girlfriends wanting to be independent thus living in, a boy not satisfied with the girl he dated a week ago, thus finding another girl to date, and I bet there’s so many more. Why do we focus so much in finding the right one for us when the thing we should be focusing on is to be the right person we should be to them?

I just realized this, maybe the real reason why I haven’t got a girlfriend right now is because I’m looking for the girl whom I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I think I’ve already found her, and I want to marry her. But, is it okay for me to court her right now? I believe God has his own schedule for that one. Besides, true love waits right? If I can’t wait for the right time to court her then maybe it ain’t even love, because true love waits. And remember, let’s be the right person to come into their lives.

So miss whoever-you-are, I like you. No, not you.

One-Sided Romance

Friends, romance, countrymen, lend me your ears.

Pun intended. I am unsure of my post title. Romance. What is romance anyway? The word romance seems to be associated with passionate love which then leads to intimate body contact. I’m suppose to use the word romantic somewhere in the title and combine it with being one-sided. I know it would sound wrong if I made the title  One-sided Romantic. Obviously.

Moving on. I’m not bragging or something, but I think I am a romantic person. Don’t get me wrong, but whenever I’m in love with someone, I try to make the simplest of things romantic as possible. I do the best I can to make her feel that she’s adored. I want to make her feel that she’s special to me. But, being romantic has its downside. You won’t appear romantic unless the other person feels the same way as you do. Funny, isn’t it?

One of my close friends who’s in the phase of courting someone told me a little story about the girl he’s wooing.
A little background: they obviously have mutual understanding. They’re not officially in a relationship yet because the courting style here in the country is quite sadistic. Not the brutal type of sadism, but the sadistic type of just-wait-until-i-get-bored-then-i’ll-answer-you kind of waiting. Moving on (again). In other words, they are dating, or in another other words they are single but already taken. The story goes like this.

The girl was asleep in his laps. He didn’t do anything malicious to her, of course. He just borrowed her iPad and then browsed the contents of it. He found that on the girl’s iPad, the girl noted the dates of the days when they went out together. Some of the notes were “Today, he held my hand while crossing the street. He told me that he didn’t want anything bad to happen to me while crossing.” So corny, I want to puke. Mind you, the girl found that cute.

See? You can’t appear romantic unless the person you are being sweet to also feels the same way about you. I in the other hand had already done all the things that I assume sweet, but unless she feels special towards me she won’t appreciate all these things I’ve done to her.

So in conclusion, that’s the harsh reality of being romantic. You can’t force the other person to appreciate all the things you did. Since I am a romantic person, I don’t mind if I got being tired of being romantic to her. Even though my actions are hardly being noticed, she is all that matters.

Oh, love month! What have you done to me?

I Must Die Tonight

The words of my retreat master recurred to me.

If you will die tonight, what would people say about you? Are you the person who belongs to this statement, “Tch. Poor kid, why did he die too early? He could have done so much in his life. A great future surely awaits him.” or “Ha! Good riddance! I’ve been waiting all my life to see this kid dead.”

I wonder what would people say about me on my wake. I’m very eager to know about their frustrations, their thoughts, their perceptions, and their compliments about me. Sadly, I won’t hear them over my dead body. The most pathetic part of being a human is not being able to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us while they’re still alive.

I can assume that only few people would have the courage to tell something on my wake. Well not really courage, it’s more like a sense of obligation because seeing my wake with barely a dozen of people attending (excluding my relatives) would be a hilarious sight. I’m not the type of person who makes the party alive, I’m just a commoner trapped in the crowd of dancing folks. I’m not the center of our classroom’s attention, I’m just the other guy among my classmates. Well, it’s just me and my feelings of insignificance. (Let me borrow those words Cher.)

Sometimes I’m desperate enough to die just to know who are the people who would be sad to see me go. If only dying is like deactivating a Facebook account, I’ve already deactivated my life and will just reactivate it when there’s nothing much to do in the afterlife. Sad to know, I can only change my views in life and continue the life that God gave me in this harsh uncaring world.

If I must die tonight, I want people to be sad and feel miserable about my loss. *evil laugh* We, as humans wanted care, appreciation, and love. Lucky are those people who are blessed with beauty, riches, and fame because I know they would surely acquire praises, honors, and positive eulogies for themselves. While I in the other hand, I don’t have the beauty that captivates every girl, I don’t have the riches that could buy me friends, I don’t have the fame to make my loss a big issue, all I have is me. I only have these words. I wonder what would people have to say on my wake. Hmmm. If I would die tonight, why not now?


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